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(Read Part 1 of "Notes on the Bakla Undead" here.)
4. In Zombadings 1: Patayin Sa Shokot Si Remington, someone is zapping all the gay men in town with a raygun. But how does the raygun know whom to zap?
How can you tell a homosexual from a heterosexual? Many of us have gaydars, highly specialized neurons that determine on sight if a guy is someone we could date, or someone we will have a hair-pulling match with over Michael Fassbender.
Unfortunately, our gaydars are constantly being challenged by rapid changes in perceptions of sexuality. It no longer follows that a guy wearing a low V-neck shirt and skinny pants is gay. Maybe he’s just fashionable, or maybe he’s totally secure in his heterosexuality.
Let us examine the traditional indicators and how they are letting us down.
4.1. If a man dresses in women’s clothing, puts on make-up and wears high-heeled shoes. . .then he is a cross-dresser or transvestite. Or the number 1 tennis player in the world, Novak Djokovic, who appears in an ad for racquets as “Maria Sharapova”. (Paradoxically, the more the Djoker cross-dresses—see his spoof of Shakira’s video—the more we know he is not gay.)
Recent research shows that most cross-dressers are not gay. But we also know that many gay men who plan on getting sex-change operations choose to dress and live as women. And many products and services that used to be “for women”—moisturizers, lotions, conditioners, facials, cosmetic surgery, foundation—now target men, who make up a large chunk of their market. There is now a jillion-dollar worldwide male beauty industry.
4.2. If a man is cultured and artistic. . .then we might hang out with him. Who started the foul anti-heterosexual propaganda that straight men are not interested in literature, classical music, the cinema, painting, dance? What philistine decreed that hetero men should only be interested in sports, alcohol and sluts?
Granted, most of the males we know who are culturally-inclined are gay, but we attribute this to socio-economic factors rather than sexuality. It requires education and regular exposure to the arts to get into, say, Puccini or Impressionism. Later on it requires nerve to care about culture because the philistines will call you gay. Makes more sense to brave it out if you ARE gay.
Incidentally, philistinism is not exclusive to straights. Some gay men are only interested in sports, alcohol and manwhores.
4.2.1. In our observation, Pinoys don’t discriminate against you because you are gay; they discriminate against you because you are poor. Our society is not really homophobic, it’s mata-pobre.
There is no exact English equivalent for mata-pobre—not “elitist”, “snobbish”, or “snooty”, which imply that one is looking down on the other from a position of privilege. To be mata-pobre is to look down on the poor, and we’ve noticed that the most mata-pobre people are not themselves affluent. They are mata-pobre because seeing people who are worse off economically than they are makes them feel better about their lot.
4.3 If a man is proficient in Baklese (Gayspeak)…then he is good with languages. Owing to the very strong gay presence in the mass media, many words that originated in the gay community have become part of the mainstream Pinoy lexicon. We say chaka, chos, chorva, baboo, papa, etc without thinking of where these terms came from. Awareness of the latest bakla terms implies that one is up-to-date, in-the-know, cool.
On the other hand if a guy is so fluent in Baklese that the rest of us can no longer understand him, he may be gay. Unless he works in the television, movie, or fashion industries and is showing off his mastery of the language. It’s not unlike speaking fake French at a “society” event, and far less pretentious.
4.4. If a man is inept at sports (“lampa”), has no interest in cars, and does not have sex with many women…then he has other things to do. We can furnish you with a list of openly gay athletes, from the tennis superstar of the 1920s “Big Bill” Tilden to figure skater Johnny Weir (Granted figure skating is a giveaway). Statistics are as yet unavailable, but we’re sure there are many gay men who are taking up football in order to get next to the Azkals.
We can also cite heteros who are useless at sports and car fanatics who are gay. And straight men who do not have sex with many women, for a variety of reasons ranging from fidelity to hideousness.
Here’s a titillating factoid: Chuck Palahniuk, author of the highly-testosteronic Fight Club and other disturbing dude favorites, is gay. Often it’s a thin line between uber-macho and bakla.
4.5. If a man has a high-pitched voice and a shrill laugh... then he’s a tenor. Fine, he could belong to the category of gay known as the screaming parloristas. This is to distinguish them from the proper, quiet gay men who work in beauty parlors.
There are many categories of gay, so many that they’re useless for determining whether a man is homo or het. One of my closest friends is a gay man who is often mistaken for a straight guy; we call him a closet heterosexual. If it weren’t for our shared admiration of Chris Evans and Jason Momoa we would be suspicious.
4.6. If a man spends a lot of time in a gay bar... maybe he owns the joint. Or works there as a waiter, bouncer or macho dancer. Or is escorting female friends who are addicted to shows with titles like “The Devil Wears Nada”. Or is gay.
4.6.1. In the Philippines there is the subset of straight men who are married to women but are also involved with gay men. Whom their wives know about, and are even friends with (“As long as he’s not cheating with other women…”). Some of these arrangements are for economic reasons, others seem to be based on genuine affection.
In any case we have always believed that Filipinos are very open-minded about sex. They just like acting shocked. We’re a nation of drama queens.
4.7. If a man is very good at interior design and the culinary arts…then he should open a restaurant. In the dark ages before women were acknowledged to be equal if not superior to men, it was declared that a woman’s place was in the kitchen. Why, then, are are most of the top chefs men?
That has nothing to do with this discussion by the way, just asking.
4.8. If a man is violently homophobic… then there is a better than average chance he is gay. Often homophobia is the public expression of private self-loathing. He hates being gay so he denies being gay, and he takes it out on gay people.
Then again it could be that he’s just an asshole.
4.9. If a man is sexually attracted to men… then he is gay. It’s the only proof of gayness.
('Zombadings 1: Patayin Sa Shokot Si Remington' opens nationwide on August 31. - ed)
