For millennia, humans have been locked in the battle between good and evil. As far we know, no one has found a key for that said lock, and not even repeated trips to Mr. Quickie has yielded a good duplicate, replacement key. So now we have to ask ourselves this important question: what instruments do we Filipinos have at our disposal that would help us in our fight against evil? Let’s check out some of our options.
Why, you may ask, is American Idol runner-up winner David Archuleta among our options for fighting evil? That’s because we know that, based on the opinion of our Filipino conservative Christians, Lady Gaga is pure evil—and by all indications, Archuleta is the Anti-Gaga. Let’s make a comparison:
She wears a dress made of bloody raw meat; he cuts his superstar hair short and goes to South America for two years, as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints. She claims “ori
ginality” in her songs and her stage act but they always remind us of what Madonna used to do in the 1980s and 1990s; he records an album of all-OPM covers called Forevermore.Only Archuleta can save us from Gaga.
Have you heard Archuleta sing all those OPMs? When rendered through his wholesome-as-vanilla vocals and felt through his non-Pinoy, Christian missionary sensibility—we Pinoys realize that yes, OPM is truly beautiful music. More international artists should record them and release those recordings abroad.
The official music video of David Archuleta’s version of “I’ll Never Go”, originally recorded by Filipino band Nexxus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duC219F8dvo
So, if you are a conservative Christian and you overhear a Lady Gaga song or you see any of her disgusting photos, stick your earphones in your ears and start listening to David Archuleta’s OPM album. It will drive the Spirit of ka-Gaga-han from your heart and keep you from taking that placard and marching outside the MOA concert grounds. Because protesting in a way that makes Christianity look silly can be an evil thing, too.
Our persistent cultural infatuation with white skin is a gateway for evil, for all the hordes of Hell, to have their way with us. Look at what happened after that Bayo campaign and the Belo ad both of which generated all sorts of nasty indignation on Twitter and FB.
To be fair, though, the Belo ad qualifies more as a spoof of our “I-wanna-be-white” mentality—so it could actually be interpreted as a critique of such. But then again, Belo sells whitening soaps. In the end, both of these ads still promote the idea that true beauty is white.
That idea is evil because nothing could be further from the truth. Filipinos should be proud of their brown or morena skin. The only way to fight our “I-wanna-be-white” mentality is to encourage more morena images in the media. Like this:
Our brown skin is there for a reason: it gives us protection from cancer-causing UV rays constantly beaming down on us from the tropical sun. Why would we want to get rid of that protection?
Promoting our own brown-skinned beauty will help boost our collective self-esteem and, eventually, rid ourselves of the prejudice against “dark people”. It’s a step in one day creating a society that makes no judgments based mostly on skin-color.
Fight evil by being proud of your brown skin.
The use of logic and sound reasoning can be a tool for fighting evil, especially when used to beef up a moral argument. However, logic itself is neither good nor evil. When Plato uses logic in some instances, it is a force of good. When some atheists use logic to attack religious morality in general—instead of limiting the attack towards certain people violating their own religious and moral precepts—then logic is used for evil.
Science is morally neutral. However, the understanding and practice of the scientific method instills in us the discipline and commitment to critical, evidence-based thinking. Science also entails a commitment to facts and the truth—an antidote to the misinformation and lies we are being exposed to every day.
Unfortunately, Filipinos in general get bored with the hard sciences. We don’t like using our brains in a scientific way. As an exercise, let’s all think about the Higgs Boson particle—one of the most exciting scientific discoveries in the past 50 years.
Remember those Venus Raj fans in the previous photo? Watch the video of their reaction after she was announced as the runner-up winner in the Miss Universe pageant. Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YXZ7D6wPwU
Well, physicists had essentially the same reaction when it was announced that there was a 99.9999 chance that a new, elementary subatomic particle had been discovered—and that it could be the long theorized Higgs Boson particle.
Reportedly, one of the six physicists who theorized the existence of the boson, the now 83-year-old Dr. Peter Higgs, shed a tear after the announcement, waving at the crowd and saying, “You love me. You really love me!” Then they discovered he wasn’t Higgs at all, just some weird old dude that they promptly removed from the premises.
The Higgs Boson is believed to be the “signature” particle of the Higgs Field. The Higgs Field is an invisible field surrounding all matter and, when it interacts with particles of matter, these particles start to clump together, creating a mass of particles. Whenever such an interaction happens, a “lump” or a particle is created.
This lump is the Higgs Boson.
Without the Higgs Field, matter will be mass-less: there wouldn’t be anything at all: stars, planets, your iPhone, your fat boss (whose incredible size actually gives him his own planetary mass and gravity, drawing objects, including your promotion, your salary, your car plan, your entire career, within his own orbit—much to your irritation.), etc.
In other words, the discovery of the Higgs Boson is an important piece in the puzzle of how the universe was formed. So, when scientists detected a boson that is most likely the Higgs, then this sort of supports the theory about the Higgs Field—Higgs Field interactions actually happen! Yehey!
Okay. Get a hanky and an ice-pack. For your nosebleed, silly.
Nobody can actually see a subatomic particle. I mean, a subatomic particle could be violating your dignity right now, or controlling your brain, or having an affair with your wife… AND YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE IT.
Physicists use machines called particle accelerators to detect, manipulate, and even create subatomic particles. By propelling and crashing subatomic particles together, a particle accelerator can detect other subatomic particles or smash them together to create new elements. In the second Iron Man movie, Tony Stark used a particle accelerator to create an element that he used as the ideal power source for his Iron Man armor.
At the high-tech underground facility in Geneva, known as CERN, physicists were able to spot what seems to be an actual Higgs Boson, using their particle accelerator which is rather sexily named, “The Large Hadron Collider”. There was foolish speculation that, when this was turned on in 2008, it would create a black hole that would swallow the world.
Be careful how you read and/or spell its name. I once misspelled “Large HarDRon Collider” as “Large HaRDon Collider”, a name that suggested cheap San Francisco, U.S.A.-made film erotica involving plumbers, gardeners and bored housewives.
After years of research and use of the Large Hardon, er, Hadron Collider, physicists discovered a new boson that is likely the Higgs Boson. Unfortunately, the boson immediately decayed—it disappeared—after the scientists’ instruments detected it. Essentially, the Higgs Boson showed up, flipped them the bird, and then disappeared. Because that’s how subatomic particles roll, dawgs. They don’t stay around, just like rock star boyfriends.
Simply put, the CERN facility spent thousands of hours and about 10 billion Euros, so they could finally tell us that something actually existed a split-second ago and then left before anyone else could see it. And they say believers in Big Foot and the Loch Ness monster are crackpots.
The act of hugging someone is a primal thing. All babies do it as they cling to their mothers, resting their heads on the maternal bosom, listening to their moms’ heartbeats. Getting hugged—being wrapped around someone’s loving arms and pressed close to that someone’s chest—immediately evokes feelings of well-being, friendship, and parental protection. Used in this manner, hugs can fight evil.
If my imagination was so powerful that it could create subatomic particles, I would create The Hugs Bosom Particle. We could store a bunch of these particles in a salt shaker and release them in roomful of people. The Hugs Bosom Particle would then cause a chain reaction: everyone in the room would be gripped by a friendly, parental, brotherly/sisterly regard for all present, and begin hugging each other.
This will effectively end all conflict on the planet. Palestinians would hug Israelis. Atheists would hug Christians. Christian fundamentalists would hug Gay Pride marchers. And, more importantly for world peace, Annabel Rama and Amalia Fuentes would hug each other, ending their feud.
We need to be careful with the Hugs Bosom Particle because it could be overused. For example, the next time a Filipino politician is on the campaign trail, one of his eager staff—in an effort to make his boss seem well-loved—could release the particle into the crowd. The crowd would then all move forward, each person trying to hug the politico, stranding him on the spot, pressing their combined, crushing weight on him, cutting off his oxygen, etc. Some politicians and Chief Justice wannabes actually deserve that.