At the age of seven, I lost one of the most important persons in my life—my mama. She died in a foreign country. She was murdered. What’s even worse is she was pregnant then.
As a young kid, some people might think that I was traumatized by what happened. Ironically, when I heard the news, my reaction was as if nothing happened. Call me indifferent but what kind of reaction would you expect a child who did not grow up with her parents? And whose parents, who are working abroad, only come home to the Philippines every two years?
But as the years went by and as I matured, that’s when the pain, which I did not feel when my mother departed, slowly and intensely came to me. I realized what was missing in my life especially during special occasions and school events. Most of the time I would envy my friends because during Family Day Celebrations, High School Days, and other affairs, their mothers would be there to cheer for them when they perform on stage, take their photos, and tell their children how proud they are of them. I can’t help but tell myself “How about me? I want a mom too who would watch me on stage and show me her support every time I perform.”
I endured the jealousy. I’ve let school events go by. But one of the hardest parts is not having my mama on my side during the significant milestones of my life—my grade school, high school graduation, and my 18th birthday. Recently, I earned my college degree and it really saddened me that she was not physically present to witness me receive the fruit of my labor. Everything I accomplished through the years, I dedicate it to her and to my father.
Growing up without a mom and a father who works abroad, I was subjected to scrutiny. Some people think that I would be a rebellious daughter; they predicted that I would get pregnant at an early age and have an unsettled life because I didn’t have my parents around me and, therefore, had all the freedom in the world.
The truth is, what I instilled in my mind is this: “All I want is to make my parents happy and proud, especially my mama. Her life was taken unexpectedly and she doesn’t deserve it. I don’t want to disappoint her.” So I worked really hard to prove people wrong and I hope I am making my mama proud so far.
Days ago, I was randomly looking at my childhood pictures. I found out that the only picture I have with my mama was during my baptism. I sobbed. That was a moment of awakening. I realized how I wasted almost seven years of my childhood life without even showing and telling her how much I love her. I never got the chance to tell her, “I love you.” To all children out there who still have their mothers, I envy you. Do not waste every single second of your life showing how much you love your mom so you wouldn’t end up regretting like me. As one song goes, “We only got 86, 400 seconds in a day..We gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say..”
I may have spent a few years with my mama but I can say that she was a very responsible and loving mother. I heard so many good things about her from our relatives and friends. She is not just my mom; she will always be my angel. She may be an angel who has flown away in this world yet she’s an angel who will never fail to watch over me.